autogynephilia

It began a long time ago, my slow painful journey into transexualism and the confusion of it all. I suffer from AUTOGYNEPHILIA, meaning sometimes I want to be a guy, and sometimes I want to be a woman. It comes and goes in waves it seems, some weeks are better than others and some days I can wear the man mask with the best of them. Other days are shakey though. And that is when I question; what the fuck was god thinking when he created me??  And not only me, but the millions of other people who struggle with this everyday of their lives, because I know im not alone in this, ive met many other folks “mutants” I like to call us, an advanced form of life, a third gender. I believe there are different degrees of our “mutant” kind. I find my self diagnosed degree of mutation at low levels, for I do not repulse at the fact fact that I have a dick, I never tried to self mutilate by cutting it off, and truthfully at this point in my life, srs I don’t see as an option like other fellow mutants I know. But its there. Whatever “it” is I got it, its more than being attracted to girls and guys, it goes deeper than just busting a nut. When I dress in female clothing I feel relaxed, like something is being fufiiled in me that was missing.  Crossdresser? Definitely, without a doubt. But does it goes deeper than the occasional needing to crossdress and then put it all away until the next  wave of “mutation” in me comes to the surface? Why do I fantasize, maybe even crave to go all the way and have a female body and live female 24-7 when there are parts of me that enjoy being a guy? There inlies the issue, sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don’t. and why did I just spend about an hour planning out how im going to order my hormones online methodically so I can start transitioning into a transsexual woman? Im at a point now where I don’t even question it anymore, I just roll with the flow. There’s no sense of being ashamed that I struggle with being a “mutant” , I actually have come a long way in accepting all that I am, which is a lot. I am a son, a nephew (or niece), a cousin, a student, a recovering addict, a drummer, a poet sometimes, a lover, a hater, a revolutionary, etc., etc.

So here I start 2012 just as I left 2011, with a lot of questions. Inner questions. Where do I go from here?  Only god knows. I strap on my seatbelt extra loose, because I gotta be and remain tolerant and flexible, not only of others, but of myself too. I am in a good place overall though, I have just about  1 year off drugs and alcohol, making it back after a relapse while living in texas. A full-time student pursuing a degree, made the honor roll in the first semester. And living in Hollywood, California isn’t too shabby either, it’s a long way from them streets of Michigan where I grew up. And so it beings, the journey into whatever im gonna be…